Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Today marks exactly 1 week since I started my electronic monitoring program, better known as house arrest. Before I started the program, I was quite honestly terrified of how lonely I would be. By the end of the second day, if shear boredom alone hadn't consumed me, I was certain that I'd go insane from being so alone with nobody to talk to. Well, I was wrong, and it turned out to be all in my head. The first day was the worst, just like Morgan Freeman describes in "The Shawshank Redemption", although my situation is uncomparable to a prison sentence. On the first day, I knew I had a full 51 days to go before I'd get my freedom back... it was all in my head.

Over 7 days, I've kept a fairly routine schedule. Every day, there's some cleaning to do, because the fraternity house is filthy. There's really no schedule to my day. I alternate between making food, practicing playing the guitar, attempting to read the Holy Bible and "Man's Search For Meaning", browsing the internet, talking to the younger guys, and watching Mad Men. I've been getting a lot of sleep, and that's the only thing that bothers me. Without a solid reason to get up early, I get too much sleep and end up being tired the rest of the day.

I've had a lot of time to think... about the present, the future, and mistakes I've made in the past. With so much time on my hands for self-assessment, I've realized a lot of things about myself... here's one:

I'm nicer to people. I guess when the only people around you are your fraternity brothers, there's really no reason to be mean. But things are slightly different. I offer my things without a second thought, without making it seem like I'm giving something up for people. Normally, I'd always think about how sharing my things meant sharing what I've earned, but it's not like that this time. Instead, I offer my things because I want to share what I have with others. It's a huge improvement considering I always get upset when people ask for things. Maybe its the anklet that's giving me special powers... maybe it's the fact that I'm alone more often than not and I want people to stick around. I've pushed away most of the people in my life, so I want to keep these guys around. From now on, any bridges that I haven't burned, I'd like to maintain. Because I'm tired of standing in the rubble, letting the ashes fall through my fingers, wishing dearly that I hadn't lit the fire. I miss a lot of people... It's a daily thing for me to walk by someone I used to be close with, knowing how I wrecked our relationship. I'm a lucky guy to have the people I have in my life. I can't mend the bridges I've already burned, but I can try my best to build new ones, and maintain the ones I have right now.